Kansas Senior Press Service Weekly Newsletters Kansas Senior Press Service Weekly Newsletters By Carol Roeder-Esser
Do you have a hard time saying No when someone makes a request of you, even when you have a good reason? Do you put up with rude or demanding people because you don’t want to rock the boat? Do you have the “disease to please”?
If any of these describe you, maybe it’s time to think about your personal boundaries and ways you can make them work better for you.
The American Heritage Dictionary defines a boundary as something that indicates a border or limit. Drive through any neighborhood and you will see all the fences marking the boundaries between one person’s property and another’s. Each fence clearly lets you know what grass you mow and where you can plant flowers. It seems very natural to have these boundaries, and most of the time we have little difficulty respecting them.
But there are personal boundaries, as well, and they serve as a way of separating people’s private lives from their more public ones, or one person from another. These personal boundaries seem to cause much more difficulty.
Essentially we have personal boundaries to protect ourselves from people or situations that are not in our best interest. Have you ever stood in line and felt that the person in front of or behind you was too close for comfort? There is a natural inclination to step away from that person and establish a distance that is more comfortable for us. That is setting a boundary. We all have the right to defend and protect ourselves. We have the right to let others know what behavior we will tolerate and what we won’t.
Learning to set boundaries is an important part of learning to communicate in an open, direct, and honest manner. Let’s start with learning to say No.
A friend invites you to the opera. You have no plans that evening, but you really don’t like opera. You can give a dishonest response and say, “I’m afraid I already have plans for that evening.” That response gets you off the hook this time, but now your friend thinks you might go to the opera another time and will likely ask again. You can give an indirect response and say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” That just delays telling your friend you really don’t want to go, and you spend time rehearsing how you will say it. The direct and honest response would be, “Thanks for asking, but I really don’t like opera.” The best policy is to be direct and honest. Don’t make excuses.
Some people don’t set boundaries because they feel guilty about not doing what someone else asks. But making a request of someone, or telling someone where you stand, should not be a guilt-producing activity.
To give another example, some of you may have extra responsibility in caring for your grandchildren during the summer. Let’s say you’ve already watched them a couple of times this week and their parents call again. You’re exhausted, but you feel guilty if you say No. This would be an ideal time to set a boundary. You could say, “You know I love spending time with Jack and Jill, but after awhile they wear me out. I will be available to watch them Tuesday and Thursday for four hours.” It’s a direct and honest response and respects your limits.
It’s helpful to think about the kinds of requests you often receive. To whom do you have difficulty saying No—and why? Rehearse how you will respond when the call comes. Remember that saying No shows self-respect and is a way to protect yourself.
Carol Roeder-Esser, LSCSW, is a program specialist with the Johnson County Mental Health Center.
By Lynn Anderson
Finding a cremation provider that has a reputation built on integrity and that cares for your loved one with dignity and respect is critically important. Jim Hawkins, of the Cremation Society of Kansas and Missouri, worked with us to provide some basic information that many older adults desire.
There are a number of providers to investigate before choosing one. At last count, nearly 40 crematories were listed with the Kansas Board of Mortuary Arts, the cremation regulatory agency. It falls on your shoulders to find the right one. As with so many providers, you need to know what is important when selecting a cremation facility for yourself or your loved one. The first step is knowing the standards by which to judge.
Here are some answers to common questions and standards to use when choosing a cremation service provider:
Q: Where will my loved one’s body go for cremation? Many funeral homes perform their own cremations. Some contract with another crematory. In general, many people feel that using a local funeral provider, which has a reputation to sustain and operates its own crematory, is the best and safest choice. In any case, the crematory should be in a facility that accepts visitors and allows public inspection. If inspection is denied or even offered hesitantly, look elsewhere. A reference list of families who have been served in the recent past should be readily available upon request.
Ask who performs the cremations and whether the cremationists have been certified by a recognized organization in the proper use of the cremation equipment and care of the body and cremated human remains. Request to see the certification documentation.
Ask the cremation providers whether they are members of the Cremation Association of North America. This is a voluntary membership association that has established the highest-quality standards for the cremation industry.
Q: Is embalming required? Embalming is not required for cremation. Crematories provide on-site refrigeration from the time they receive the body until cremation occurs. Some providers charge for this service, others do not.
Q: May I witness the cremation? Some people want to witness at least the beginning of the cremation process. They feel it offers closure and provides the assurance that their loved one is indeed being cremated. Any family member desiring to witness this process should feel welcome to do so. The crematory should in no way discourage you from being present.
If you witness a cremation, usually you will be given the chance to view your loved one for the last time. Your loved one will be inside a cremation casket. You will see the cremationist place the casket into the cremation chamber, called a “retort.” The door to the retort is then closed, and family members may stay for as long as they wish, although the process will not be visible in any way. Sometimes families sing, meditate, pray, or do a reading. When the family members are ready to leave, the crematory personnel will escort them out. Some families return later for the completion of the process, when they receive the urn.
Many would think this too difficult, and yet those who are present tend to express immense gratitude. The option of being present for the cremation may not be discussed by the crematory personnel unless you ask, in part because some families find the idea too distressing.
Q: Are all cremations performed individually? Yes, and the crematory personnel perform the cremation and the post-cremation procedures, so they can ensure that your loved one’s cremated remains are in the urn or other container.
Q: Will I receive all the cremated remains? Crematories return all the cremated remains that are possible to retrieve. It is impossible to retrieve 100 percent.
Q: What do the cremated remains look and feel like? The entire process takes about three hours. After cooling, any metal (from dental plates or knee replacements, for instance) is extracted by magnets. Then the remains are processed into a uniform size, about like pieces of sand on an average beach.
Q: Are there any laws about what kind of container the cremated remains are in, and what may be done with them?
Cremated remains may be placed in any kind of container. If they are going to be transported by air, they must be in an urn or other container that is not lined with lead.
Kansas and Missouri have guidelines indicating that ashes may be buried or scattered on property you own or property whose owner has given permission. A permit must be obtained to scatter ashes in the ocean, and the scattering must be within certain distances from the shoreline. Hawkins noted that some people ask about scattering their loved one’s ashes in a golf course or cemetery. He advises against those choices, because such places are regularly tended and the ashes will quickly be disrupted or even removed.
Q: What do I have a right to expect in terms of policies and regulations?
Because cremation is irreversible, a reputable cremation service provider will have written policies and procedures to ensure that you or your loved one will be cared for properly and treated with dignity. As a consumer, you have a right to review the provider’s policy and procedure manual.
You should be offered up-front pricing. Having a general price list is a requirement for conducting business in the funeral industry. The Federal Trade Commission requires that consumers be given a general price list as soon as there is any discussion about services. Ask for a list!
Ask what procedure is used to track your loved one through the cremation process and verify the identity of the remains following cremation. Log books should be available that document the provider’s strict adherence to policy.
I asked Hawkins how he would go about selecting a cremation provider.
“If I were not in the funeral industry, and wanted to do due diligence, I would do exactly what I’d do when choosing a nursing home,” Hawkins said. “I would go to a location, unannounced, and ask to see its crematory. You can make a quick judgment based on cleanliness and how the staff respond to questions. I would ask a lot of questions about the process and the mechanisms for security and assurance.”
The Cremation Society of Kansas and Missouri is a licensed funeral provider and cremation facility. It also provides a great deal of public education, offering presentations to service organizations, senior groups, hospices, and churches. Contact Hawkins at 8837 Roe Ave., Prairie Village, KS 66207; 913-383-9888; www.cremationkansascity.com.
Lynn Anderson is the editor of The Best Times, a monthly newspaper provided for all Johnson County residents age 60 and over, published by Aging Information & Action of Johnson County in partnership with the Area Agency on Aging, a division of Johnson County Human Services & Aging.
By Dave Farson
When we reach a certain age, some of us begin to think about moving from our homes. The words “Arizona” or “Florida,” “North Carolina” or “Nevada,” begin to float around our consciousness. Perhaps we seek warmth, or maybe these places represent a romantic ideal to which we begin to compare our present lives. We can see ourselves on a perpetual golf course. Retirement is ours!
I’ve had my share of romantic fantasies, but I don’t play golf and the retirement states would probably bore me. To my knowledge, neither Nevada nor Florida has a state income tax, so they have some allure. However, in my personal experience, the government always gets its share one way or another.
I may stay exactly where I am, but I’d like to share the qualities I’d look for in my new community if I were to move. The sun, mountains, or oceans are not enough to attract this home boy!
My list is long. But did you notice that nothing about geography made the top 10? Many years ago, I had a chance to live in the mountains. I could have made a living there and been extremely happy. But the people I loved, and who loved me, weren’t there. I learned that mountains cannot replace human love. I want to live where the people I like and love live.
If I was given one person to talk to in a new place, I would choose the
local librarian. If s/he complained of being overworked, I would know this was a good place.
If I could only ask one question about a new town or city, I would ask how many people volunteered to help those less fortunate. I want to live in a place where people care about each other.
A friend laughs at me for looking at maps or going out of my way to see new towns or cities. What he doesn’t understand is that, as we search for our place, we are defining who we are and what we value. I love to walk the ocean’s shore or hike in the mountains, but I live on inland plains. Maybe I am just a home boy at heart—or perhaps I am still searching for that new place to call home.
Dave Farson, of Overland Park, taught at ShawneeMissionNorthHigh School for 33 years. He quit teaching because he wanted to write, and working was getting in the way.